Item Catalogue

A sacred scroll containing the platonic ideal of a pun. Reading it aloud ends all arguments -- by making everyone leave the room.

Worn only by those who have mastered bedtime, lawn care, and one-tick prayer flicking.

The instrument of true grill mastery. Whoever wields it achieves perfect doneness without a single peek under the lid.

A sacred scroll containing a pun so layered it achieves lasagna status.

Bottomless. Contains wipes, snacks, a spare shirt, and somehow a full-size umbrella.

Set to exactly 68. Do not touch it. The household balance of power depends on it.

Survivor of a thousand drops onto restaurant floors. Indestructible. Slightly haunted.

A sacred scroll containing a workplace pun so cutting it should require HR approval.

Contains goldfish crackers, a granola bar, and the unshakeable confidence of a prepared parent.

Picked up at a garage sale for a quarter. Flips eggs adequately, which is all anyone really asked for.

You looked away for one second. One second! Still counts as dinner.

Proof of a hardware store run you swore would take five minutes. It took ninety.

A sacred scroll containing an animal pun so bad it loops back around to greatness.

It was in the couch the whole time. A relic of patience and cushion-diving.

You microwaved it three times. You will drink it cold anyway. Such is the dad way.

Its twin was lost to the dryer dimension long ago. This one endures, alone.

Found under the car seat. The straw is already out. Drink at your own risk, adventurer.

A keyring full of keys that open nothing.